How has going to China changed my world?When I went away I was looking for something, I wanted something to change and I didn’t know what. I wondered if I would have an epiphany, or a grand love affair, or if my life would change in a startling fashion.
China did change me, shifting something inside – not an immediate dramatic change but something that I think is going to change me even more. I realised and confronted by huge, intense fear of failure.
Ok, I know, it’s hardly like anyone enjoys or sets out to fail, but for almost all my life fear of failure has been my primary motivator, and I’ve lived to the sound of my inner voice telling me that I am a complete and utter failure.I failed. Some of my early lesson were truly disastrous. They were too easy or too hard. I didn’t realise that what to me were self evident activities, like having a discussion, were bizarre concepts from the planet foreign teacher.
And then… My classes started to come alive, as I learnt from my failures adjusted my classes to the abilities and interests of the students. I think this is the first time that I actually realised that failure is not necessarily absolute and the end of the world.
I lived alongside people who had experiences of hardship that were almost unbelievable – history book and news stories made flesh. And these people impressed me every day with their ability to dream, their determination to make a better life for themselves and, moreover, that they weren’t embarrassed to admit to their ambitions.
I started to wonder why I was so afraid of doing something I cared about, why I had censored myself so completely that I automatically dismissed anything that interested me as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘impractical’. I started to feel that I should take advantage of my privileges, dare to risk listening to myself and act upon it, and that if I should fail it will not destroy me. (There are other experiences lurking behind this revelation too.)Now, of course, comes the hard part: trying to maintain this when surrounded by well meaning advice and expectations about how my life ‘should’ be, having slipped into familiar routines.
Photographs are from the 798 gallery area, Beijing - a place I love as it's filled with inspiring works and stories.
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It's always scary and difficult to attempt something totally different. What you did required a great deal of courage and you should pat yourself on the back for not only making the decision to do it, but to follow through and succeed as you did. You can do it again with the next challenge! Great photos!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy every day!
Sylvia
J: Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your studies from China.
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the photos and the insightful commentary
ReplyDeleteA remarkable experience, to be sure! Wonderful images.
ReplyDeleteMy friend has been teaching English in China for over 5 years now and her early emails about her adventures were really engaging to read. I saved all her emails and some with her okay of course I have posted on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI admire your courage for going to China. Some initial failures were to be expected, I think, as you learned how to best get things across to your students. And in the end, the teacher probably gained the most. Learning that one can dare risk, and overcome failure, is an important lesson, indeed.
ReplyDeleteGreat photos. Wonderful experience for you!
ReplyDeleteWe learn more from our failures sometimes than we do from our successes, but to go to China to teach was bound to be a very growing experience, one you'll never regret!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I wish you great success! Great photos!
ReplyDeleteI think a good percentage of people who were/are high achievers in their youth (e.g., in school) are motivated by fear of failure, thinking that failure would be a total disaster, their lives would be ruined, etc. But, and I also speak from experience, when you experience failure for the first time, you discover that it's not the end of the world. Relecting on just exactly what went wrong and what you'll do differently in the future makes it a good learning experience. I commend you for using your "failure" to readjust your teaching method/style. All the best to you with your "new and improved" self-knowledge. I really enjoyed reading this post.
ReplyDeletegood on you! its not everybody who dares to chart unfamiliar territory!
ReplyDeleteI think it is so impressive that you have tackled the unknown. I thought about living or teaching abroad after I graduated college, but fear held me back then. We have different goals now, so I think everything is working out the way it should, but when I read stories like yours, I always wonder what could have been!
ReplyDeleteWonderful images! and story. Chinese like red.
ReplyDeleteI haven't visited you for awhile.
I am curious about the photos of children in the classrooms. Do they carry that much books to school as on their desk ? or they left them as where they are.
ReplyDeleteYou can never be a failure until you're 65. Then you can look back and say, boy, I did nothing much(or a lot). But until then, the world's your oyster.
ReplyDeleteLovely photos.
In Korea, for the longest time I thought I was becoming a terrible person; that I was losing everything about me -- including depth and character. I thought this until the end, until I came home and saw how resilient I was and how my perceptions had changed and how trivialities no longer mattered. While my friends were still talking in the future tense (I will do this!) I was already in the past (past participle even: DONE!).
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great reflection. And it will stay with you; it always does. You can't steal intangible things away very easily. :)
We need a trigger to realise that the things we take for granted might not be so important after all. I can see you've changed from you're stay in China, and I don't think you will ever go back to being the person you used to be. The things you learned there are learned for ever. I for one am looking forward to seeing what you do next in life! I know I've said it before, but I mean it. It's been a joy getting to know you, by the way! Hoping for that teatime in real life one day!
ReplyDeleteGreetings from Africa,
Esther
The words here which stuck home the most here were "they weren’t embarrassed to admit to their ambitions". That's something to reflect on.
ReplyDeleteMay I say that I disagree with Wolynski. (Having read some of your posts, Wolynski . . . I'm a bit surprised . . . anyway . . . ). There is time for everyone, right up to the moment of death. Have you read 'A Prayer for Owen Meany' by John Irving?
Lovely post. We should all spend a year in China.
ReplyDeletesounds a thoroughly interesting experience...
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your insightful and supportive comments. I felt a bit nervous about posting this, but I'm glad I did. I'm on a bit of a tight time schedule today (well, this whole week), so apologies for just answering a few questions.
ReplyDeletekbguy - the students would mostly leave their books as school as they had classes from 7.45am-5.30pm, then came back for supervised homework from 7-9pm. Although sometimes they would take some books back for extra homework!
Thanks for sharing! I find it strange that here in the West we are scared of failing. I believe that we don't learn unless we fail, unless we try and fall down and pick ourselves up and then learn from these life lessons. So, look upon failure as something positive!
ReplyDeleteAnd learn...
Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletelovely red everywhere and a witty commentary too. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Jane, I saw your comment in the Quarterlife Crisis discussion wall and I thought - wow, she feels exactly just like me!
ReplyDeleteI have a massive fear of failure, so much that it led to my depression - I started dropping everything that I used to do for leisure because I didn't want to be bad at it.
At this point, I have no wise words because I am struggling with you - but I have heard that the only way to overcome fear is to face it.