Yesterday was my last day of working for the school. Although in some ways perhaps a bit of a disaster, I have learnt some lessons that, I think, made all the times I was sworn at and had things thrown at me worthwhile.
Teaching and leading v. controlling. This job wasn’t really about teaching or leading, but controlling. I don’t enjoy that. I don’t want to control people purely by fear. I don’t see having power over people as a desirable item in itself. I love teaching and I love leading. I can create environments where people know that if they step out of line there’ll be a whupping delivered, but also know that they can learn, flourish and even (whisper it) enjoy themselves. I want people in a team I’m leading to follow my directions because they respect me and know that I care about them and want them to succeed.
Relationship building. I love building relationships, and this job had little scope for that. I’d make a breakthrough with a student, but then it’d be weeks before I saw them again, meaning the whole process had to start again.
Ownership. Never being able to follow up properly on problems or questions was incredibly frustrating. I need to do something that allows me to take ownership of situations.
Ignore the ‘shoulds’. I kept thinking, I should think myself lucky to have a job at all. And then I realised: who thinks themselves lucky to do something that makes them miserable every day? It made me review what I think I deserve – do I really think that I deserve to do something I don’t really want to, do I deserve to be miserable? I realised that if I didn’t challenge the mindset that ‘I should be lucky to have a job, any job, no matter what it is and how unhappy it makes me’ that I’d probably spend most of my life stuck in similar situations. And, although it might sound harsh, it often seemed that the people shouting the message the loudest were the most miserable themselves.
In many ways finding myself in this situation has been the kick up the rear I needed to make myself reassess what it is that I want out of life and have the courage to say ‘I want and deserve better’.
I want to make a living doing what I enjoy, and I will. I want to live my life according to my own values, and I will.
Teaching and leading v. controlling. This job wasn’t really about teaching or leading, but controlling. I don’t enjoy that. I don’t want to control people purely by fear. I don’t see having power over people as a desirable item in itself. I love teaching and I love leading. I can create environments where people know that if they step out of line there’ll be a whupping delivered, but also know that they can learn, flourish and even (whisper it) enjoy themselves. I want people in a team I’m leading to follow my directions because they respect me and know that I care about them and want them to succeed.
Relationship building. I love building relationships, and this job had little scope for that. I’d make a breakthrough with a student, but then it’d be weeks before I saw them again, meaning the whole process had to start again.
Ownership. Never being able to follow up properly on problems or questions was incredibly frustrating. I need to do something that allows me to take ownership of situations.
Ignore the ‘shoulds’. I kept thinking, I should think myself lucky to have a job at all. And then I realised: who thinks themselves lucky to do something that makes them miserable every day? It made me review what I think I deserve – do I really think that I deserve to do something I don’t really want to, do I deserve to be miserable? I realised that if I didn’t challenge the mindset that ‘I should be lucky to have a job, any job, no matter what it is and how unhappy it makes me’ that I’d probably spend most of my life stuck in similar situations. And, although it might sound harsh, it often seemed that the people shouting the message the loudest were the most miserable themselves.
In many ways finding myself in this situation has been the kick up the rear I needed to make myself reassess what it is that I want out of life and have the courage to say ‘I want and deserve better’.
I want to make a living doing what I enjoy, and I will. I want to live my life according to my own values, and I will.
Posts
Quote-Ignore the ‘shoulds’. I kept thinking, I should think myself lucky to have a job at all. And then I realised: who thinks themselves lucky to do something that makes them miserable every day? It made me review what I think I deserve – do I really think that I deserve to do something I don’t really want to, do I deserve to be miserable? I realised that if I didn’t challenge the mindset that ‘I should be lucky to have a job, any job, no matter what it is and how unhappy it makes me’ that I’d probably spend most of my life stuck in similar situations. And, although it might sound harsh, it often seemed that the people shouting the message the loudest were the most miserable themselves."
ReplyDeleteWow, that is refreshing, I have been in that mindset, but fear there are no better jobs out there, I hate my job but am not qualified to do anything else, and probably not anywhere else for better pay. I am headed back to school in Jan though! I hope you can keep and apply that mindset! I may give it the old college try:)
Best of luck,
Kris
Everyone who loves their life will tell you: you 'should' do something you enjoy ;)
ReplyDeletePlease don't ever let the other people change your mind!!
I'm glad you left a job where you were disrespected every day.
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you in finding a job you enjoy.
More power to you J., this is all extremely positive. I sincerely hope you will quickly find a situation that meets your expectations and brings you joy every day, rather than the contrary. You clearly have the courage needed to build a new future... all best wishes...
ReplyDeleteI like the photo to illustrate your new positive mindset. I hope you find happiness in the future you will build.
ReplyDeleteKris - But you're doing something about it, rather than just thinking 'oh well, this'll be my life for the next 30 years'. I hope college goes well for you, what are you studying?
ReplyDeleteRachel - ok, perhaps one 'should' that people 'should' listen to - as long as they're not telling you what you 'should' enjoy. Wow, way too many quotation marks!
Pat, Owen and Janie - I have a new job which I will start in the next few weeks to provide living/saving money, and I've been accepted into an MA in Professional Writing. However, I'm not going to wait to finish (or even start!) the MA to begin trying to find paying writing gigs. Let's see what happens.
I agree with the bit about the job situation. Out of the blue, I was recently offered a job and told I could have it on my own terms (within reason). I'd worked there before, and was absolutely miserable every day.
ReplyDeleteSo I turned it down.
Literally 10 minutes later, I learned that my current job dried up. In two weeks, I'll get my last paycheck.
But I absolutely don't regret saying no to a life I would've hated. Thank you so much for saying the same thing, because there are moments when I wonder if maybe I was crazy.
Have you ever considered working in an International school?? You can teach and teach students with wonderfully wide horizons...and simply be yourself...I have never looked back...
ReplyDeleteChristina - That must've taken some courage to turn down a tempting package, well done for listening to your self rather than common expectations. Having had a peek at your blog, I'm sure that other opportunities will be along soon for you.
ReplyDeleteCatherine - I did look at it, but everywhere wanted a PGCE and two years experience teaching to GCSE. I actually looked into applyig for PGCEs but couldn't when I was in China as they had to have a face to face interview - even though the reason I couldn't do a f2f was because I was teaching five and sometimes six days a week. Any experience was less important than that interview requirement.
Now, there is no way that I'd step foot in a British school again! I'm not ruling out teaching, but it would be TEFL rather than International School.